


If you must know

by makeitsoshipper



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 21:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13726194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makeitsoshipper/pseuds/makeitsoshipper
Summary: Based on the 7B promo-when she asks he comes in





	1. Chapter 1

“To know if there was the slightest chance.” She stared down at her hands clasped In her lap. “To know if Mike was right” she scoffs at the ridiculousness that he could know how she feels better than she does. “To know if how I feel is just a fantasy and that maybe if I kissed you that there wouldn’t be a spark, that the earth wouldn’t move, that every man I’ve been with in the last thirteen years wasn’t just a substitute. To know if there was the slightest possible chance that you might want more too. To know that if I’m about to lose you forever that I don’t have to live with the regret of never making it explicitly clear how I feel.” She realised she’d barely drawn breath in the last minute as the words came out of their own accord. It wasn’t any one thing. If it hadn’t been for the words tearing at her own heart from the seconds earlier she wouldn’t have even realised she had to know. “And I am sorry” she paused but clearly hadn’t finished “not, for doing it, but for the position I put you in. But Harvey I wouldn’t take it back because I don’t have the answers to all my questions but at least now I’m not lying to myself.”

Her words hang heavily in the air. She had laid it all out for him. She was exposed and although she trusted him with her life, she knew that he had the power to break her heart but what was the point in holding anything back now. She could’t expect him to open up if she didn’t make it clear how she felt. She’d always just known. Known how he felt even when he didn’t. But now, she realised she hadn’t even been honest with herself so everything she thought, wished, hoped, feared about what was going on with him was suddenly up for grabs. But would he do it, now when she had put all her cards on the table. Was he willing to be open. At this point she just needed to know from him what was real even if that could never be what she wanted, she had to find a way to move forward.


	2. Chapter 2

It was late the next day and she’d barely seen him despite all the work they really needed to finalise over Jessica’s imminent departure. He’d been working with Louis for the most part and sent messages via her seemingly ignorant friend or occasionally email but avoided her at almost every turn. When they were together he said very little and avoided her eyes. He was short and irritable with everyone around but most were content to put it down to the news about Jessica leaving. Rachel however had called her out on it when she passed by her office earlier, convinced that there was more too it. She had picked up on the fact that while everyone else was feeling Harvey’s wrath, he had said little to his COO. Donna had told Rachel the truth. Maybe not as articulately as she’d just done to Harvey himself but she didn’t need to, Rachel understood how feelings worked. So it came as quite a surprise when he had turned up at her door. 

“I couldn’t deal with this today” he gestured between them. “I have to get this right for Jessica”  
She nodded her understanding. He couldn’t focus on dealing with one emotional upheaval while his thoughts lay elsewhere so he had shut what happened out for the time being. “But you accused me of running away once and last night you did that so I need you to acknowledge what happened this time and tell me what it is you need to know and why you did what you did.”

“Do you want to come in?”

And so they sat on her couch, poignantly in the same places as the last time while she did her best to explain.


	3. Chapter 3

Her words hang heavily in the air. She had laid it all out for him. She was exposed and although she trusted him with her life, she knew that he had the power to break her heart but what was the point in holding anything back now. She could’t expect him to open up if she didn’t make it clear how she felt. She’d always just known. Known how he felt even when he didn’t. But now, she realised she hadn’t even been honest with herself so everything she thought, wished, hoped and feared about what was going on with him was suddenly up for grabs. But would he do it, now when she had put all her cards on the table. Was he willing to be open? At this point she just needed to know from him what was real, even if that could never be what she wanted, she had to find a way to move forward and get back to being ‘Donna’. 

 

“Donna you know better than I do that I can’t do this…” he gestured again into the space between them. Audibly sighing with frustration since he was the one who turned up on her doorstep in the middle of the night, she opened her mouth to respond but he held up his hand to stop her. “But I also know that this is an impasse and if I don’t try, if we don’t…” he inhaled and exhaled slowly and loudly through his mouth “…not only is there no going back, there’s no going forward and so I will try” he looked into her eyes pleading with her to understand and she smiled a thin smile back at him, with a subtle nod of her head “but I know things won’t come out like I mean them to, want them to, I, don’t, want, I can’t, screw this up”. He looked in to her eyes holding her gaze, shaking slightly with the weight of it. 

Donna nodded more visibly now. Her hands which had been gripped together so tightly on her lap started to reach towards him but she pulled back unsure of herself. She hated that. “Thank you” she managed, her voice almost a whisper, afraid that it would break at any moment. He was willing to try. This was going to be hard for both of them but he was willing to try. That was more than she had honestly hoped for. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking? Feeling?” Dare she say that word-too late now. She would challenge him and stand her ground.


	4. Chapter 4

“I’ll try, it’s hard to know where to begin. What has Mike got to do with it?” 

Of all the things to focus in on! It was a cop out but at least he wasn’t running, she had to give him that, and he had at least been listening; she knew she would have to be brave, as much as she wished he would take a risk it was who he was and it wasn’t right to wish him be someone else, she knows that but she still wishes. “Mike stopped me yesterday and told me to tell you how I felt. It was totally out of the blue and I told him we didn’t want to be together.” She looked into his eyes then searching for some kind of reaction and he did react but there was so much emotion on his face, in his eyes, she couldn’t decide what it all meant. Perhaps it was better she didn’t try to analyse it anyway. “I won’t say it didn’t play on my mind but I have spent years trying to justify my relationship with you to everyone, and recently, fighting to feel like I exist as a person that’s not just some extension of you, that I dismissed it.” She knew that look, he was upset by that; that he hadn’t realised she felt that way, he values her, she knows that, but for what she is to him not really who she is outside of him and he feels guilty, but at the same time like it wasn't his fault. ‘He doesn’t realise he did it because he doesn’t think of me that way’ her mind told her ‘maybe he doesn’t think I deserve this job after all’. She caught herself then. What happened to not analysing? This wan’t going to help right now. “It was Louis who made me realise I was fooling myself” she finally added. 

“You talked to Louis?!”

He really does pick the easiest things to latch onto. Frustrated but determined she once again took the reigns. 

“As if. He came to apologise, I’ll spare you the details but Shelia’s getting married and as he spoke to me about how he is losing her, every word was like a sucker punch. How his feelings were overwhelming and that’s why he couldn’t prepare me for trial; about regrets he has to live with for the rest of his life, and I realised then, for the first real time.” She laughed at the absurdity. “That every relationship I’ve had was doomed to fail because they weren’t you. That despite everything I tell myself, tell everyone, about us, I can’t get over you.” He sat so still, absorbed in her words, every one tearing him up from inside, how could he have let it get to this and how, how in hell could he make this better. “Every time! Every time someone has questioned ‘us’ I make this big display of how ‘its’ not like that!’ I tell myself they just don’t get it like we get it”, he smiled a knowing smile which she really appreciated in that moment. “But the stupid thing is that they probably saw it all along and ME! Donna! I didn’t. I mean I know I’ve always been attracted to you and that we have this connection but I told myself that it didn’t matter that our bond was bigger than that-that we could go back and I was wrong. I know deep down it’s not going to happen, but as much as I’ve tried to accept it, to tell myself that I am happy for you, I still wish, I wish it was me and I hate who I’ve become so I needed to take control and I know you’re hurting and it breaks my heart to see it but you need to understand I’m hurting too.” That was it now, she couldn’t do any more, it was taking too much out of her and while she could’t stop the tears from falling if she had to say any more she knew she would break.


	5. Chapter 5

“I never want to hurt you” he shook his head. Legal battles, power play, didn’t phase him for a second. How to deal with this situation was as far from his strength as anything he’d ever faced. “When I went to see my Mom” he started. This was not what she was expecting and her expression made that clear. He continued on regardless “I told her it was you that convinced me to do it”. 

“Harvey I don’t…” 

“Hear me out Donna” 

She clearly wasn’t up for this seeming divergence and her patience was wearing thin. She was feeling raw and exposed but she listened tensely. 

“Donna you see me, you know me like no one else and Paula she saw me too” 

He was not blind to the fact Donna struggling to listen to this but he was doing his best, he hoped it would make sense if she’d hear him out.

“So many of the qualities I admire and need in you I saw in her and she helped me to see things I couldn’t admit to myself when you were gone. But she’s not you. You’re, ‘Donna’” 

Ok enough. She couldn’t hear any more. She knew he was trying to be honest and that’s what she thought she wanted, but she couldn’t cope with any more. “You know what Harvey, I can’t, I can’t sit here while you try and find ways to tell me she’s some better version of me.” She pulled herself up from the settee and he reached out to grab her wrist. It burned and she twisted round to look him in the eye, her head shaking, eyes daring him to stop her. 

He knew what he wanted to say but he was fucking this up and she didn’t get it, she always got him and when it mattered more than ever she didn’t ‘know’. He was struggling with the pain so clearly etched on her face, his composure was slipping and these fumbled words were his way of keeping It together but it was all going to shit. 

“Donna NO. Jesus that’s not what I mean at all. You say I can’t risk anything and that’s just it I can’t risk you because you’re….…everything” His voice cracked but she didn’t look like she realised how hard that was for him to say, she just looked confused and hurt and somehow in disbelief. “But in trying to protect you from me I’ve just hurt you anyway”. He was talking to her but he said this last sentence to the air, softly but with certainty. He let his hand fall away from her wrist and held his head in his hands just sitting, shaking, processing his own words like an epiphany had suddenly come upon him. But with revelation did not come peace and calm but panic and terror. He’d placed her on a pedestal so high that instead of her feeling like the amazing person she is, she felt pushed away. In trying to protect her from his shitty relationship skills, he made her feel like he didn’t want her that way and probably worse of all like he didn’t ‘see’ her. Like she was there to do what he wanted but that he didn’t value her as a person outside of him and his work. She knew he appreciated her at work but he arrogantly thought that was enough, that because he knew how vital she was, that while he bathed in the glory she was content to let him shine and do her thing. But hadn’t she been? He told her he appreciated her, he bought her nice handbags. That was what she wanted wasn’t it? His self-preservation was fighting with the earlier moments of understanding and now he was just lost again. His mind was struggling with the swathe of emotion hitting him and he was losing himself in it. 

“Why do I need protection from you?” There she was again, even when she is so clearly hurting she pulls him back. 

“Donna. I’m sorry” he breathed. Re-focus. “Because I do this shit. I can’t give you what you deserve but I can’t bear to lose you. I don’t think Paula is a better version of you because there couldn’t be. Don’t you understand you’re perfect to me?’ “We’re such an amazing team, I thought all this time that you were happy. Even after before, when, when you left, I-learned’ (he sensibly avoided saying where) “that I took you for granted. But I wasn’t willing to see beyond that because it scares the fuck out of me, but that isn’t because there is someone better.’ His eyes pleaded with her to show she understood but she was just standing on the one spot shaking her head, the tears in freefall. Her heart was pounding so loudly she could hear it, every nerve ending in her body was on edge. Her hand reached behind her for support form the sofa edge because she didn’t trust her legs to hold her. 

“No, Harvey, every time I’ve tired to get closer to you you put up barriers. You shut me out, push me away but then won’t let me go. And I just need to know that you’ll never w…” she gulped down hard. ‘want me that way and then I’ll be ok’. I just need to know.

Harvey’s expression had turned from anguish to almost comical and suddenly confident, he stood up to face her. “Donna” he began, the tone in his voice suddenly different, not full of sorrow and pain but Clarity and intensity. “you think I pull away because I don’t want you?’ Lowering his tone and in a breathless whisper he spoke as he leaned in to her left ear. “I pull away because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.” She swallowed silently. Leaning back he waited for her to look up at him before he continued. “I have spent years making sure that every non-platonic feeling I have to you gets boxed away. One touch, that’s all it would take, I want you more than I want my next breath but up until now there was just too much to lose.” 

She was frozen in place but his words sent a heat through her that she wanted to quash but felt to her core. But wanting someone and wanting a relationship were very different things. He needed to understand that. 

“Harvey” it came out way more breathy than she had intended. She cursed her voice and tried again. 

“Harvey I know, we both know that we’re compatible that way. But that’s not…”

“I know” 

“You know?” She looked at his skeptically.

“That’s not enough.” He stated matter of factly. 

Shit, he did get it. Breathing became harder and she concentrated on it to try and keep herself together but he got it? Well that didn’t mean he’d do anything about it so

“I love you” 

Holymotherofgod

“Love me…how?” She didn’t even think or process it just came right out. 

She wasn’t entirely convinced that she wasn’t going to pass out before an answer came if it did even come, he still hadn’t said anything. Not again, she was going to break in the new few seconds if, oh shit he was touching her, he was taking her hands. 

He pressed harder to try and get her focus, she was looking at him but seemed spaced out. 

He was moving closer, and it was no good her tears were just falling in streams and she couldn’t look away because this was on him, every muscle in her body was frozen still expectant, her heart that was thumping her her chest. His expression was it pity, sorrow, there was pain but he was confident. She could see it, he knew. Whatever came next she knew he had an answer for her.


	6. Chapter 6

There he was again, touching her, this time it was her face, he was touching her face. Wiping the tears in some futile attempt to stop them but that wasn’t happening. She swallowed hard as he moved closer, testing her reaction. 

When she didn’t pull away he leaned to her right side and started to kiss away her tears. But that just made them fall harder, she shook her head, not really able to form any coherent words. He needed to speak. It was such a beautiful thing to do but she had to know ‘please’ she sobbed out. 

 

He held her face in his hands, partly to stop it from trembling. No more screw ups, this was it. There really was no going back after this but he felt strangely calm and in control now that the moment he’d pushed aside in his waking moments but which haunted his dreams was now a reality. 

“I love you like I didn’t know it was possible to love someone.” She gasped, bringing her hand to cover her mouth but her eyes did not leave his though they were clouded with tears. 

“I dream about waking up next to you, I feel complete when I’m with you. I want to do things to make you happy, I want to be a better person for you. I want a future with you because the though of one without you is - it’s unthinkable. Donna I love you in every way and I know this might not be enough. I don’t know if anything ever could be because I want you to have the world and I know that I’ve held you back, I know I’ve been selfish and I am terrified in every goddam way that I’ve left this too late and that even if I haven’t I can’t be what you need but at least if I do lose you I know that I’ve been honest with you and you of all people deserve that from me”. 

Donna Paulsen could count on one hand the number of times she’d not known what to say. Even when she probably should have said nothing it wasn’t in her to hold back. But this was possibly the first time in her life she’d been truly speechless and it wasn’t because she didn’t have words, she was so overwhelmed that she didn’t know which ones to say first so she ended up saying nothing. ‘Is this real? Oh my God he’s actually done it, he’s expressed how he feels without holding back. It wasn’t just me, I was starting to think it was all in my head. Ok this is good I’m not actually losing my touch. Oh Harvey. Is this a dream? He loves me. I think I’ve stopped crying but I really need a tissue. Why is he looking at me like that?’

“Donna?” He didn’t regret what he’d said but he couldn’t deny he was petrified at her lack of reaction. This wasn’t what he expected. Be angry, he happy but be something! Had he been less emotionally invested he might have realised that she was trying to process it all but this was all new to him and he was used to her snappy comebacks whether he’d done something amazing or screwed up. He studied her. Her skin looked so pale against her vibrant hair, particularly since the tears had washed away much of her make-up. Her eyes, eyes that so often he could read in an instant seemed glazed and far away. Actually now he looked properly, she actually looked a bit like she was in shock. He decided maybe she should sit down, maybe she needed a drink. He could certainly do with one. Taking hold of her arms her led her body down to the settee. A glass of wine was sitting on the table, presumably she had needed it earlier too, so he held it out to her worried now that she might be shutting down from him completely. She took the glass by reflex but made no motion to drink it. 

“ok listen Donna if you need me to go I will I just need to know if you’re gonna be ok”

She seemed to hear him and took a small sip of the wine in her glass reaching out to place it back on the table she turned towards him and tilted her head to look at his concerned face. “Paula?”


	7. Chapter 7

She shocked herself that that was the first thing to come out of her mouth. She wanted to say it back, she wanted to pull him to her and claim him as hers like the fantasy she pretended didn’t fill her dreams but 24 hours ago he was in a committed relationship, one that she’d been thinking a lot about the last few days despite her efforts to distract herself with Mark, despite the humiliation she’d suffered because of Malik. Even with all that going on she had still not been able to shut off her inner Donna and analyse the situation that she really didn’t want to face. 

“Obviously you told her, she said she warned you that I had feelings for you, that she knew all along it was a mistake and she should have seen it coming but didn’t. She wants you to be happy but since we’ve been in this relationship this long and have formed some sort of codependency that it’ll never work but she knows you need to figure that out for yourself. And I know you told her we kissed, not that I kissed you which I know is technically true but really not fair on you since, well…. But you didn’t have to Harvey I deserve the blame for it and it was me that caused this situation, she will forgive you if you give her time”

“I’m sorry what?” 

Since Harvey had told her about him and Paula Agard she’d taken time, to think about all the signs she’d ignored. Clearly he had gone to Paula after she had asked him for more. When her own answer as to what that meant wasn’t forthcoming, he had taken charge of his own life both professionally and personally and distanced himself from her even further. He had chosen Paula. She was nothing like his usual women. When she’d first met her she had liked her. She was calm, professional and good for him. Since then she’s not been so keen but it was hardly Paula’s fault that she was irritated by anyone coming into his life and knowing him intimately. 

“You need to think about it. Harvey she was the person you went to, physically and emotionally. As much as I don’t want to admit that to myself it’s the reality and just because I love you doesn’t mean I’m right for you and just because you’re scared of losing me, doesn’t mean you love me like that. She was good for you.”

“Are you kidding me! I’ve told you how I feel. Do you have any idea, in fact why am I asking that because you’re ‘Donna’ you KNOW how hard that was for me not just to say to you but to admit to myself and what, now I’ve said it you’ve what - changed your mind?” He rose from the settee running his fingers through the front of his hair, walking to the other side of the room which was suddenly feeling very small. He needed to get some distance from her. This, this is what happens when you let people in they break you. Not her she wouldn’t do this to him, but she said it. Even though I love you, just like her, just like his mother trying to justify that she still loved his Dad despite the fact her actions proved otherwise. 

“Harvey” she tried to use his name to stop the barrage of information she knew he was currently trying to process. She rose too, intending to walk towards him but he held out his hands and shook his head with a simple “don’t”. 

He couldn’t take being near her, his tie was starting to feel constricting and he pulled at it haphazardly, he felt hot, he briefly registered that he was starting to sweat. The tension in the room was thick and heavy. Donna was using all her yoga stills to keep her own breathing deep and steady but his was shallow and erratic his pulse almost visibly beating. 

“So what, you were just jealous and now I’ve given it all up for you you’re running away? I could’ve been angry with you last night but I tried not to be all the things you’ve accused me of in the past, because of what you did we’re no longer together so it’s too bad if she’s good for me because you put an end to that. That, this, it’s all……I have to get out of here”

Donna was initially irritated by his outburst, she’d said she loved him but he’d glossed over that and just listened to her doubts but his behaviour was not something she had witnessed first hand before. Now she had to stand by helplessly and for the first time she saw for herself the beginnings of him losing it. Had she not known about the panic attacks he experienced last year, she would probably have thought he was having a heart attack. Despite the fact he’d loosened his tie, his face was red and his eyes seemed to be be bulging out of his head and his breathing was off. She’d almost stopped listening to what he was actually saying because how he was speaking and his whole demeanour were too distracting. He had moved to the other side of her living room table and his hands rested on its top, seemingly holding him up. Although his words were addressed to her, he didn’t make eye contact, his head looking down though not at anything in particular. She had to get him to stop talking and breathe but he wouldn’t let her near him, he didn’t seem aware of what was happening until just before he started to move too leave. 

Quickly she hurried to the door to try and stop him but the look in his eyes knocked her back. Donna knew Harvey would never hurt her but in that moment she knew he had no control over anything. It was like looking at a different person. She was losing him to his deepest fears of betrayal and loss. His movements were chaotic, knocking into the chairs around the table in a sudden, desperate urge to get to the door in search of air. He didn’t seem to see her as he fumbled with the handle and yanked the door back knocking her back with it. Too concerned about him to worry about herself she had to try again, they couldn’t leave things like this. 

“Harvey stop” she tried one more time clearly and firmly. Briefly his movement faltered but he continued through the doorway and down the hall. Donna ran forward grabbing his arm and reflexively he snapped her away forcibly, so much so that she staggered back into the wall. Her own sense of panic was now rising, he was as out of control as she feared. Turning to see her fall backwards, stilled his motion. Initially in his panic at being restrained his defence mechanisms had kicked in and he needed to escape. Even though she had managed to steady herself the sight of her staggering backwards had frozen him. Caught between his internal meltdown and his base instincts to protect this woman from everything he had no way to make a decision. Leaning back on the nearest wall he slid down it to the floor and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, the world was spinning, there was no air.


	8. Chapter 8

He was breathing rapidly, in and out every second, it felt like he was drowning. He tried to focus, think of a happy place, breathe slowly, deeply. This was not who he was now, he had come too far to be back in this place but she had said……no. Stop. Re-focus. Thinking of her was only going to set him off again. He placed his palms on the cold floor to ground himself. Luckily she had been wise enough to keep her distance and stay silent but as he came back to himself he sensed her more and more. 

She stood there, still for a long while, for once not knowing what he needed but knowing that whatever it was he wouldn’t want it from her. After several uncertain minutes, sensing that he had worked himself through it to the degree that anything she did wouldn’t set him back light years, Donna sat down on the floor of the narrow hallway facing him, her legs bent upwards and she allowed her chin rested on her knees. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears but she had cried enough tonight, now she needed to be firm and clear. 

“I know right now your instinct is to run a million miles from me.” She spoke softly but firmly, in a way which implied he was going to hear what she had to say, right now. “I know you are shit scared and I, am, too.” His head was still down but the slight tilt of his head in her direction indicated he was hearing her words. “You heard me say it and I will say it again, Harvey I love you too. I am not trying to take it back, I have denied it to you, to other people but to myself mostly for so long that the relief in being honest with myself is not something I want to change, so even if you had felt nothing for me I still wouldn’t take it back. But more than I want to be with you, and you need to hear me, I want to be with you, I want you to be happy. You chose her. Maybe I didn’t explicitly say things before but you’ve known for a long time that I wanted more with you or at least to explore the possibility. Yeah ok I’m me, so I’m better at dealing with-or maybe not dealing with-being knocked back but Harvey don’t think for a second that it didn’t hurt all those times you said you didn’t want more, that despite you being bothered by guys I was dating - it didn’t mean anything, that the pain of thinking the person you love more than anyone doesn’t want you. So while those words were the most beautiful to hear, something that I only dreamed of, I have to protect me because no one else will and if you broke my heart and I lost you….can you understand?” 

He was quiet for a long time but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. His heart was still beating rapidly but his breathing now way more in control. He raised his head to look across at the woman in front of him, a woman he’d look at a thousand times but he’d never seen her until then. Yes she was ‘Donna’ and Donna was awesome and he loved Donna in so many different ways. But this was another part of her he didn’t think anyone saw. He could understand in the world they occupied day in day out, surrounded by over-achieving and ambitious Harvard graduates that she might have insecurities-not about her worth to the firm, but about other people’s perceptions of it. But on a personal level it had never really occurred to him that there was anything she could possibly be insecure about. She was beautiful, amazing, confident, funny, charismatic, empathetic-what’s with all the adjectives-he laughed to himself. And every man, hell-every person turned to look when she walked by. Of course it had never occurred to him that she could be vulnerable in other ways because he was too much of an idiot to ever look or think.   
It was time to do things differently. Reaching out his hand towards her he smiled at the look of grateful surprise that appeared on her face as she reached back and took her hand in hers; him smiling back as she swallowed her emotion at the gesture. He sighed audibly and squeezed her hand in his. He did finally understand. 

Harvey and Donna sat on the floor in the hallway of her second floor apartment for over ten minutes. Both just processing, breathing, smiling back and forth at the other. Both, honestly getting a bit stiff from the harness of the floor but ignoring the discomfort because it was far outweighed by what they were gaining in that moment. After a while his smile turned to a grin. She had to call him on it. “You’re in to me”


End file.
